Chantel Simmons

OK. I’m being a bit dramatic. I wasn’t totally angry. But I was totally hungry. For three days straight. Here’s why:

A few months ago, Wellness Kit editor Ceri Marsh said she wanted to do a feature on juice cleanses in her section of the magazine. She wanted to compare a few different companies, but didn’t want to do them all herself and asked if I wanted to do one. Yessssss. I’ve always wanted to do a cleanse, but I have the worst willpower. And also, I hate being told what not to do. Tell me I can’t have chocolate and suddenly I can’t even think of a single food item that’s not chocolate. What do people eat for breakfast? No clue. Chocolate corn flakes with chocolate milk and chocolate covered raisins on top? Of course.

I figured committing to a cleanse so I could honestly report back on it would be the incentive I needed to hold me accountable. Apparently, I don’t know myself very well.

During the phone consult with the creator of the cleanse I was assigned, she told me there were 1, 3 and 5-day cleanses. She asked if I’d like to start with the 1-day cleanse.

“No. I’ll do the 5 day,” I told her.

“Are you sure?” she asked, then reminded me that if I’ve never done a cleanse before, it could be a shock to my system. I assured her I could handle it. If I was going to do a cleanse, I was going to do. a. cleanse. I wanted results!

She agreed, but said I should do the modified cleanse. You have a few juices during the day, but then you also get a salad and a snack for the evening. I told her I wanted the all-juice cleanse. All juices, all the time. What’s the point of modifying? Modifying is for wimps.

There’s a reason she’s the creator of the cleanse. She probably knows her clients better than we know ourselves. Or she could sense my crazy. She said I could do the all-juice cleanse, but only the 3 day. And that she wanted to ease me into it, so she was first going to drop off 3 days’ worth of juices, salads and snacks, so I could do those first, then on the 4th day go hardcore on the juices.

I should’ve just gone with the modified version, because by the time I started the cleanse, I’d already done three days on the modified version and while I pretty much stuck to it (it wasn’t hard, the salads were pretty gourmet, with interesting toppings and dressings and the snacks felt like I was cheating), I still thought I was ready to go hardcore.

I think, in retrospect, what I was ready for, was to bite into a sandwich.

Here’s the rundown of my three days on the all-juice part of the cleanse.

I actually feel mildly embarrassed that I couldn’t stick to it for three days. Logically it doesn’t even make sense since the total calories of the cleanses are probably higher than I’d normally consume in a day (or maybe not? Maybe I eat a lot and have a high metabolism? I have no clue, I never diet because whenever I try, I end up gaining weight, see reasons, above), and since you have six juices to get through, you’re drinking something every few hours. But I was starving all the time. Or so I thought. Anyway, thank goodness I wasn’t the only one who cheated.  Though I’m not sure Vanessa’s celery sticks really count as cheating. If she’s being totally honest (I know she is) then I should probably admit that I didn’t just have one glass of wine, I had two.

All in all, I think these cleanses are great for getting your energy back. And I don’t hold the company at all responsible for my lack of willpower or commitment. They actually know what they’re doing when they do the consult. I should’ve listened. Maybe next time.