I can never say no. I say yes to everything. And then I end up feeling overworked and overwhelmed and underappreciated and resentful and wishing that I would’ve said no.
Does this happen to you?
One of my friends recently said to me, “Everytime you quit one job, you seem to take on two more.” It’s true. I keep trying to have fewer jobs but I keep getting more. Which means I keep putting off the things I really want to do (hello, write novels!) because I’m too busy doing things that I said yes to instead.
After reading The Happiness Project, I decided one of the things I was going to do was say “no” more often. After I decided this, I was re-reading the author’s list of things she had planned to do and one of her items was to say “YES” more often. Suddenly I felt guilty that while I was wanting to say “no”, she was changing her life for the better by saying “yes.” I just didn’t get it. How could you say “yes” and be happy too?
Then a little while ago I was giving a presentation (another example of a “yes”) and someone commented that it seemed like I had so many experiences and had done so many different things — and asked how I came to do all these different things.
And then I realized something. If I’d said “no” to every opportunity, I’d be boring and uninteresting. I wouldn’t be able to give a presentation because a) no one would ask me to because I wouldn’t be qualified and b) I’d have nothing to say, and the entire presentation would be useless for the guests because I would have no experiences to draw upon and no advice to offer.
It hit me: saying “yes” is a great thing because it makes you really live. I loved giving the presentation because I met so many interesting people and because in preparing for the presentation, I improved my own skills in several areas that I wanted to improve — I made a PowerPoint handout (with those lines to write!), which I’d never done before, I read several articles on a topic that I’d never read about before, and I talked to a group that I’d never spoken to before. And I wouldn’t have done any of those things on my own. (Let’s face it: I probably would’ve read a book or watched TV when I was instead working on the presentation and giving it). I only improved my skills because I said “yes.”
When I got home I felt an incredible sense of accomplishment, not to mention I was energized and inspired to tackle more things on my t0-do list.
All because I said “yes.”
What about you? Do you find yourself saying “yes” or “no” more often?
I’m a classic “YES-er.” I say YES so much that my e.mail inbox is giving me hives — the shakes even. But what you say is so true, and I thank you for making the point: whatever I’ve said YES to has lead to so much more learning, so much more sharing. I’d not be here if it weren’t for YES. And now that I’m grateful for YES instead of resentful and self-flagellate-y, perhaps saying appropriate NOs will be easier. Amazing what a girl can do when she leaves guilt in the dust, yes?
Joanne: That’s really good insight on when to say no and when to say yes. Thanks for sharing!
People comment a lot on how many things I’ve done in my life because I have said yes alot too. It has been an amazing blessing. I’ve even traveled on organization’s tabs to Europe and Peru. I’ve found the trick to saying no is being honest “my plate is full right now”, or because I am a teacher and many people want me to do things that are too much like my day job I say “I do that on a daily basis so I look for something to refresh my mind/spirit when I volunteer. Maybe you could try asking the local (insert name of a college, church or high school).” I say yes when my inner spirit perks up and says “cool” when it hears the suggestion. When it says “blah” or “run away!” I say “What a lovely offer but I’m afraid I have to say no.” When you do say no, soften the blow by suggesting someone else or at least another organization the person can go to for assistance/volunteers.
Bonnie: I think the trouble is knowing when something really is something you should just say no to. Like how many times can you do something just as a favour, even when you don’t get anything out of it? Someone told me that if it’s really not going to be at all fun or worthwhile and you’re going to dread it then you just have to say no, but how do you say no without hurting someone’s feelings? That’s my problem.
Claudia: omg — you’re so sweet! and I always want to help you, so not to worry! But I’d like your tip on how do you say no?
Very interesting post, Chantel! I often find myself saying “yes” to things that aren’t all that new or interesting, which then gets me too bogged down to go after all those deliciously new “yes” adventures. One thing I’ve forgotten is how fortunate we are to be able to have these opportunities to explore, share and reach out (even baking last-minute brownies or proofing a friend’s resume). So I’m trying to be more aware of what I’m “yessing” to. After all, yessing is a blessing.
Well, I truly hope you don’t start saying NO because the amount of things I ask from you – today, prime example – who would I ask?
I think all your Yessing is what makes you a really great teacher. Not only a teacher teacher, like in the classroom, but plain and simple a person we can learn from. You’re right, all your experiences and the many tasks you’ve taken on has made you the bundle of knowledge that you are.
You’ve helped me with so many different things, and not only do you help me, but you do so very quickly which is always the astonishing part. You’re someone people can rely on, and get advice from, and the best part is you never make anyone feel as if they’re being a pain in your ass, even when they might be *cough cough, me, today…*
The point is, your yessness is inspiring and if more people said yes they’d enrich their lives and those of others, for sure.
I probably say no more than yes, so I’m going to try and be more of a yesser. Like you.
You’re completely appreciated, so don’t ever feel like your yessing isn’t worth something xo